By making amends, you are clearly demonstrating the difference between how you acted before and how you will behave from now on. The idea of making amends can stir up difficult emotions. No matter which camp you fall into, the instructions below will help you to get started on Step 8 and Step 9.
First, it is important to rein yourself in. Avoid the urge to say or promise things impulsively. This is a delicate process that requires forethought, reflection, and strong commitment. Just be sure that you can practice what you preach in the years to come.
Remember that part of making amends is demonstrating changed behavior. For this reason, amends are an ongoing process without an end date. A sponsor can offer guidance, expert input, and information from their own experience working these steps.
Sometimes, trying to make things right can cause others distress. Before adding amends to your list, think about your motives for contacting this person and work with your sponsor to determine next steps. Work with your sponsor, treatment center, and Step group to determine which parts of this are right for you.
Arrange to speak with the other person — while COVID has complicated this process, making amends face-to-face is encouraged. Speaking on the phone can also be an option. If appropriate, you can let the person know how amends are related to staying sober. However, your primary goal should be to acknowledge that you have done wrong and would like to make up for it.
Apologize for what you have done and fully own your role. Some might be too tested by prior behaviors and actions that they simply need space. Or the people you need to apologize and make amends to are no longer living. In an article for Experience Life , author Tamar Chansky was quoted as saying that occasionally, time is on your side when apologizing and making amends. Taking action to amend that certainly helps the other person. It also heals you. Are we bad people—or simply human beings learning how to make better choices?
We are accepting new admissions but have implemented additional pre-screening procedures to ensure the health and safety of everyone at Twin Lakes Recovery Center. For more information, please click here. Facebook LinkedIn. What Is an Apology? When those we've hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others or making living amends.
It's important to note that making amends is for the person we hurt. Yes, we partake in the process to "clean up our side of the street," but we do not make amends to clear our conscience or undo our feelings of guilt. If someone does not want to hear from us, we respect that and do our best to move forward with our recoveries. Taking these actions helps us to separate ourselves from the disease of addiction.
We come to understand that we are good people with a bad disease. Steps 8 and 9 help us to move out of the shame we have lived in, shame that feeds the cycle of substance use and addiction. We strengthen and reinforce healthy recovery whenever we do our part to repair relationships or reach out to others with support and understanding.
It's important to have a plan in place before we reach out. We can't know for certain how another person will respond—or even how the interaction might affect us emotionally. Remember, this is a Twelve Step process that can provide a platform for healing, but the person we are reaching out to may not be at the same place in healing as we are. We are only in control of our part—making and living the amends.
As with alcohol and other drugs, we are also powerless over other people. We cannot control how others respond, whether they will forgive or whether they will hold on to negative feelings or resentments. In the end, we are not seeking forgiveness. We are seeking accountability for our own actions and holding ourselves to the standards of our own values and our 12 Step program. When first writing your list, don't worry about including everyone you have wronged.
Start by listing the people closest to you. Over time, as you strengthen and deepen your recovery from addiction, you will undoubtedly revisit Steps 8 and 9 many times. Eventually you will find you are making amends day by day through the positive actions you routinely take in living by Twelve Step principles.
There really isn't a "best way" for everyone.
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